WHO IS KHADIJAH AL-AMIN?
Well, to find out who I am, you have to actually look at my life before I found my path with Allah (swt). I lived my life, but at 43 years of age I was still empty inside. I had lived all over the world, had six wonderful kids, a successful career in the Air Force. I had experienced the brotherly love of my fellow Airman and service members, and I had lost some of those battle buddies to suicide, war, and murder (Question: Where is the justice in surviving a deployment, just to be killed by your fellow countrymen once you return home?). Transitioning to civilian life was tough, and it seemed as thought there was no peace in sight.
Oh, the 90s were a time! This is a teenage *****. Yes, I smoked, I drank, I rode on the backs of motorcycles and felt the wind whip through my hair. I danced the night away at raves and recovered during the daylight hours in a darkened room. I was on a targeted path to self-destruction…and I didn’t even know why.
I woke up one morning in November of 2000, and decided there had to be more to life than this, so I joined the Air Force and was able to reinvent myself into a responsible adult. I had two wonderful children by my first husband. Even though our relationship did not last, I was satisfied with my life…but I had not found out what that “more to life” actually meant to me…and I was still lost.
Allah (swt) is the Greatest of Planners, as he placed my Hamza in my life when I didn’t even know I needed a partner to fulfill my deen. We were both struggling in our own ways, but we found each other and clung together like the world was ending. I was desperately clinging to this life…and I needed guidance from above because I just couldn’t do it by myself anymore.
“[Remember] when you were on the near side of the valley, and they were on the farther side, and the caravan was lower [in position] than you. If you had made an appointment [to meet], you would have missed the appointment. But [it was] so that Allah might accomplish a matter already destined – that those who perished would perish upon evidence and those who lived would live upon evidence; and indeed, Allah is Hearing and Knowing.”
Surah Al-Anfal 8:42
My father was full of old sayings he learned growing up in rural Alabama, or perhaps it was during his time in the Army, but he would often say “It’s not for us to question why, it’s just for us to do or die.” I do not question why I spent my life searching for the answer that I had been exposed to as a child living in Turkey. I do not question why I felt peace and a calmness whenever I saw a hijabi or a niqabi in public. I do not question why I felt the pull to go into mosques and learn about Islam, but fear held me back. I was not afraid of judgement. I was not fearful of the mere fact that it was a place of worship for Muslims. I do not question why hearing the Ahdan has always been comforting to me.
All I do know is Hamza and I reverted in 2023 and never looked back. I was emerging out of a serious state of depression (the kind that you are lucky if you saw me leave the house that month). I started wearing the hijab immediately, and started intensive therapy right afterwards. Since then, I have been learning who I am as Khadijah al-Amin, rather than *****. This blog is meant to document that journey, as I am healed enough to offer an honest look into my life in an effort to help anyone who is discovering who they want to be in this life.
We’re all on our own personal journeys to be happy in this dunya. Please come with me along my journey. I hope I can learn as much from you as you can from me. Remember, this is a space where we we laugh, we may cry, but we will always remember that we are humans first, and everyone deserves basic respect due to that fact alone.
~Ciao Ciao for now,
~Khadijah al-Amin~
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